Sunday, March 04, 2001


You know You're Chinese if...

  1. You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping (and especially those bows) next year.

  2. You only buy Christmas cards after Christmas, when they are 50% off.

  3. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out.

  4. You have a vinyl table cloth on your kitchen table.

  5. Your stove is covered with aluminum foil.

  6. Your kitchen has a sticky film of grease over it.

  7. You have stuff in the freezer since the beginning of time.

  8. You use the dishwasher as a dish rack.

  9. You have never used your dishwasher.

  10. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.

  11. You boil water and put it in the refrigerator.

  12. You eat all meals in the kitchen.

  13. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers.

  14. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.

  15. You always leave your shoes at the door.

  16. You have a piano in your living room.

  17. Your parents know how to launch nasal projectiles.

  18. You iron your own shirts.

  19. You play a musical instrument.

  20. You pick your teeth at the dinner table (but you cover your mouth).

  21. You twirl your pen around your fingers.

  22. Even if you're totally full, if someone says they're going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them.

  23. You don't own any real Tupperware -- only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, takeout containers, and jam jars.

  24. You also use the jam jars as drinking glasses.

  25. You've eaten a red bean Popsicle.

  26. You bring oranges (or other produce) with you as a gift when you visit people's homes.

  27. You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.

  28. The condiments in your fridge are either Price Club sized or come in plastic packets, which you save/steal every time you get take out or go to McDonald's.

  29. Ditto paper napkins.

  30. You never order room service.

  31. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes). These travel snacks are always dried. As in not just dried plums, dried ginger, and beef/pork jerky, but dried cuttlefish (SQUID).

  32. You own a rice cooker.

  33. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before cooking it.

  34. You spit bones and other food scraps on the table (That's why you need the vinyl tablecloth).

  35. Your parents vehemently refuse the sack of gold coin oranges that their guests just brought just to be courteous.

  36. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.

  37. Your dad thinks he can fix everything himself.

  38. You majored in something practical like engineering, medicine or law.

  39. When you go to a dance party, there are a wall of guys surrounding the dance floor trying to look cool.

  40. You live with your parents and you are 30 years old (and they prefer it that way). Or if you're married and 30 years old, you live in the apartment next door to your parents, or at least in the same neighborhood.

  41. You don't use measuring cups.

  42. You feel like you've gotten a good deal if you didn't pay tax.

  43. You beat eggs with chopsticks.

  44. Your parents' house is always cold.

  45. You have a teacup with a cover on it.

  46. You reuse teabags.

  47. You have a drawer full of old pens, most of which don't write anymore.

  48. if you're under age 20, you own a really expensive walkman if you're over 20, you own a really expensive camera.

  49. Your mom drives her Mercedes to the Price Club.

  50. You always look phone numbers up in the phone book, since calling Information costs 50 cents.

  51. You tip Chinese delivery guys/waiters more.

  52. You're a wok user.

  53. You only make long distance calls after 11pm.

  54. You know all the waiters at your favorite Chinese restaurants.

  55. You like Chinese films in their original undubbed versions.

  56. You have acquired a taste for bittermelon.

  57. You like congee with thousand year old eggs.

  58. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached -- it means they're fresh.

  59. You never call your parents just to say hi.

  60. You always cook too much.

  61. if you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten rice, even if it's midnight.

  62. Also, if you don't live at home, your parents always want you to come home.

  63. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you get sick.

  64. When you're sick, they also tell you not to eat fried foods or baked goods because they produce hot air (yeet hay in Cantonese).

  65. You e-mail your Chinese friends at work, even though you only sit 10 feet apart.

  66. Your parents never go to the movies.

  67. Your parents send money to their relatives in China.

  68. You use a face cloth.

  69. Your parents use a clothes line.

  70. You're always late.

  71. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the last piece of food on the table.

  72. You starve yourself before going to all you can eat sushi.

  73. You've joined a CD club at least once.

  74. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewelry or electronics.

  75. You never discuss your love life with your parents.

  76. Your parents are never happy with your grades.

  77. You save your old Coke bottle glasses even though you're never going to use them again.

  78. You keep used batteries.

  79. You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.

  80. You keep most of your money in a savings account.

  81. You know what MJ means.

  82. You've been on the Love Boat or know someone who has.

  83. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.

  84. You love Chinese Martial Arts films.

  85. You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing.

  86. Shao Lin and Wu Tang actually mean something to you.

  87. You love to go to $1.75 movies.

  88. You love to go to $1.50 movies even more.

  89. You never order sweet-n-sour pork, egg foo young, or chop suey at a Chinese restaurant.

  90. You have a pager even though you don't really need one.

  91. You have a really nice pager with an alphanumeric display.

  92. You have a cell phone even though you don't really need one.

  93. You hate to spend more than $5 for lunch.

  94. Someone in your family drives a Honda.

  95. There are custom rims on the Honda.

  96. You have a Chinese knick-knack hanging from your rear-view mirror.

  97. You like to eat chicken feet.

  98. You suck on fish heads and fish fins.

  99. You turn bright red after drinking two tablespoons of beer.

  100. You can get a buzz on Coors O'Douls or Miller Sharps.

  101. You look like you are eighteen.

  102. You always look up at white women if you are male.

  103. You always look up at Chinese men if you are female.

  104. You own a gun if you are male.

  105. You only buy used cars.

  106. You have more than five remotes in your house.

  107. You like to sing Karaoke.

  108. You have a custom stereo in the Honda with the custom rims.

  109. Your entire house is covered with tile.

  110. You have those plastic walkways covering your hallway and other heavy foot traffic areas.

  111. You have plastic or some other kind of cover on your furniture.

  112. You leave the plastic on the lampshade for ten years or more.

  113. You eat family dinners with the TV on.

  114. You watched Connie Chung.

  115. You have a frightening amount of clutter in your house.

  116. You can't bear to throw things away.

  117. Your dad washes his hair four times a day, or never at all.

  118. You really hate getting B's on your report card.

  119. Your house smells like preserved fish.

  120. Or your house smells like Chinese medicine.

  121. You have 12-20 uncles and aunts.

  122. You've never kissed your mom or dad.

  123. You've never hugged them either, unless at family parties.

  124. Your unassisted vision is worse than 20/500.

  125. You wear contacts to avoid wearing those "coke-bottle" glasses.

  126. You've worn glasses at least since the fifth grade.

  127. You go to yard sales often.

  128. You've had a bowl cut before.

  129. if you lose a dollar, you dwell on it for more than five minutes.

  130. Your parents (or some other close relative) own a grocery store or restaurant.

  131. You love to "buck" the system.

  132. if you're overcharged you scream bloody murder, but if you're undercharged you go your merry way.

  133. Your hair sticks up when you wake up.

  134. You get a rush from making a good deal.

  135. You make ridiculous offers when bargaining (I'll give you $5 for that Integra).

  136. You'll haggle something that is non-negotiable.

  137. You love to use coupons.

  138. You drive around looking for the cheapest gas.

  139. You add twice the amount of water recommended when making orange juice from concentrate.

  140. You'll drive around for hours looking for the best parking spot.

  141. You take showers at night.

  142. You'll learn about sex from someone other than your parents.

  143. You'll be convinced your parents only had intercourse as many times required to produce you and your siblings.

  144. You've never seen your parents kiss.

  145. You've never seen your parents hug.

  146. Your grandmother lives with you and your family.

  147. The Honda has been lowered.

  148. You never buy stuff from the concession stand at movies.

  149. You tip less than 15%.

  150. You never order desserts at restaurants.

  151. You always have water when dining out.

  152. You refuse to use the valet.

  153. You try not to use the bellhop for fear of tipping.

  154. You avoid the non-free snacks in hotel rooms.

  155. You don't mind squeezing 20+ people into one motel room.

  156. You want your dollar back from the friend that borrowed it right away.

  157. You get the runs when you drink too much milk.

  158. Most girls have more body hair than you if you're male.

  159. You have an unexplainable love for cameras.

  160. Sanrio means a lot to you.

  161. Your refrigerator stinks.

  162. Your parents don't want you to move out when you turn 18.

  163. Your parents want to live with you when they are old.

  164. You tap the table when someone pours tea for you (not applicable for jook sing).

  165. You point to your nose when referring to yourself.

  166. You say "aiya!" and "wah!" frequently.

  167. You lie about your kids ages to get a discount.

  168. You lie about your age to get a senior citizen discount.

  169. You don't want to wear your seatbelt because it's uncomfortable.

  170. You love Las Vegas, slot machines, and blackjack.

  171. You love to play mah jong.

  172. You want to marry Chinese, or at the very least white.

  173. You have to read all your parents' mail written in English.

  174. You have to make phone calls for your parents to English speakers.

  175. Your parents ask you if you are home when you come home (faan nei lah").

  176. You are constantly being set up with uninteresting (and usually ugly) people by your parents.

  177. You always hear how great so-and-so's son or daughter is doing. Then your parents ask you why you are such shit and why you are always embarrassing the family.

  178. Your parents wish you gave them 30% of your income.

  179. Your childhood is filled with painful memories of the ong feather duster (guy mo so).

  180. You can use words like "chink" and "chinaman" with impunity.

  181. Your clothes smell like fried rice.

  182. You talk at the top of your voice a lot.

  183. You hate eating cheese.

  184. You go to a lot of Chinese wedding banquets.

  185. At these banquets, for some unexplainable reason all the older Chinese people will start hitting their water glasses with chopsticks until the newlyweds kiss.

  186. All the older Chinese people will have to be addressed with some title like "great grand aunt" or something. Then when you address them and bungle up your inferior "ABC" Chinese, your mom fakes laughter and makes some comment about American Born Chinese.

  187. Your mother worries constantly that other Chinese will consider her a bad mother if her children re "bad."

  188. You have a big aquarium filled with colorful fish somewhere in your house.

  189. Your mother is strangely obsessed with plants.

  190. Your mother answers the phone, its one of your friends, she asks them personal questions.

  191. Your mother likes to try to smooth/tuck in your clothes in a public place.

  192. if you are a guy, you either have brown/blonde bangs with black hair parted down the middle, or if you're middle-aged (like most fathers) you have a "comb-over."

  193. White people look at you strangely if you tell them you are Buddhist.

  194. Even though you have a lot of white friends, you harbor a deep resentment towards them.

  195. #194 except to include people of all races.

  196. You either hate black people or think and speak like you were black.

  197. You believe that "length doesn't matter."

  198. yOu tYpE LiKe dIs tO LoOk kEwL.

  199. if you are a girl, you don't mind hanging out with ~10 guys by yourself.